Hey people.

Yesterday was my first day of school after the winter holidays.
And in every lesson our teachers greeted us like so:

Hello class! Happy New Year! Especially for you! This will be exciting. Like, this is the year!  I hope you'll have a successful year. This year will decide over your future! Who knows what you'll be doing today in a year. Hopefully you do. 
Your last year in school, that is indeed exciting. When are your A-Levels? OH, in two months already, well, I hope y'all have started studying already? No? Well that's not good..
Anyway, let's talk about all the things you have to know for your A-Levels because it will definitely be important somehow. 

Like, THANK YOU, I am already stressed out but that you for adding to that.

In English class we even had to form groups and talk about our future and we literally called our group "Team Existential Crisis".. that says it all.


But jokes aside.
It is very scary to think of everything that way.
The last year in which I'll go to school.
The year I am writing my A-Levels in.
The year I am moving out.
The year my whole life will change.

...How is that not scary to some people?
I do have plans for my future, like, many plans. I want to go to England in September. I want to study to become a teacher for English and Music. I want to travel a lot. I want to meet a lot of people and be happy.
But that is the point. What if all of this does not make me happy?

What if I am in England (IF I manage to find a job and a room eventually) and miss home and just feel like I don't fit in and don't find my place.
What if I start studying and notice that I am really hating it or that I am not good enough or that teaching is just not the thing I want to do the rest of my life?
What if..?

source: tumblr

My future, and I am talking like very close future, consists of a lot of "What if's..." and a lot of challenges.
But, as my English teacher said today, challenges always have a small connotation of fear and anxiety. Because you have to possibility to fail the challenge. And depending on what kind of person you are, you focus more or less on the bad outcome of the upcoming challenge.

Weird, isn't it?
Because thinking: "Oh, I might not like teaching." doesn't get me any further, it does the opposite, it makes me step away and reconsider for the hundredth time, just to be where I was before I started panicking.

Where do I go from here? 
Well, as simple as it sounds, it is very true: My future is completely in my hands and depends on my decisions. That is partially the scary part, but also the exciting and, in a way, encouraging part.
If I don't get up off my ass and start to properly look for jobs and rooms in Brighton - I can't go.
If I don't inform myself about different carriers and paths I could take instead of teaching I can't compare and might not be able to do what I really want to do.

I have the power to completely design my life the way I want it to be.
And I want to use it.
If that means to study for my A-Level exams even though I absolutely hate biology (lol) I need to do it. For my education, my exams, my job, my life.
Sounds simple. Doing it isn't so much, but I'll try and stick to it.


What about you? 
Have you already finished school?
Are you also currently where I am, deciding what your future will look like?
Or do you still have many many years to go?

I am actually curious, please tell me in the comments!

Hello folks.

Last year I made a post about why I think New Years Resolutions are useless. This year I still agree with myself and everything I said in that post. The following "goals" certainly aren't things that come out of nowhere and are definitely achievable, since I started working on (almost) all of these things already in the previous year. These are goals I want to achieve during the year and make a new habit of mine. ~enjoy~

1. Be more organized.
This one, I feel like, is an obvious one. As I mentioned multiple times already I am going to take my A-Levels this year and even though I do perform quite good at the moment in school I know I am not up to my full potential.
To be more organized I already started a studyblr tumblr blog, which you can find here: https://studybllrr.tumblr.com/. On there I want to keep you updated with my school stuff, my progress and my bullet journal which I started for 2017. I really like the idea of bullet journals and since my calendar'll end with 2016 I already prepared all of January in the journal. I might do a full blog post just about it.





2. Work out regularly.
I work out quite a lot. But then sometimes I don't go for a run or in the gym for like two weeks. I want to change that by having a real schedule which I can't just ignore. Working out is not only good for my body but also for my mind. So if I had a busy day at school it would actually help me to go to the gym, even though I might be two hours later at home.

3. Read about 30 minutes a day.
Reading has always been huge and important for me. But during the last couple of years I noticed that the amount of books I got through during a year dropped strongly. During holidays I always find loads of time for loads of books but as soon as I am home I just forget it. And I want to change that by setting myself the goal to read a little bit a day.



4. Journal more often. 
At the beginning of 2016 I started a diary in which I wrote quite regularly until about April. Then it just stopped. Now at the end I am actually sad I couldn't keep it up. I want to improve and at the end of the year have a full journal filled with happy and not so happy days from the last year.

5. Upload regularly. This goal does include my YouTube channel and this blog. I noticed that sometimes I have weeks in which I upload on this blog like four times a week and then for months nothing. Same with the YouTube channel. So I'll try and get a schedule in it.

6. Practice the piano more often. 
Just because I love playing the piano and I'd love to be able to do more things. And also because I think my piano teacher soon will rip my head of :D

7. Try Yoga.
"Try new things" and stuff. I found this YouTube channel called "Yoga with Adrienne" and twice I tried her programs out and really enjoyed it.



8. Be happier. 

9. Make myself a priority.

10. Go outside more often.
Just to enjoy natures beauty and get fresh air. I'll also try and hit the 10.000 steps goal every day. During school that is no problem but in the holidays I often just stay inside and don't move very much.



11. Turn off electronic devices more often. 
During 2016 I often did weekends with digital detoxes and I found it so refreshing and felt a lot free-er. I want to continue doing that, but even more often. Generally I spend a lot of time on the phone and the laptop.

12. Maintain a regular sleeping schedule. 
Again, during the holidays that is no problem at all. But especially during exam seasons I get only five to six hours of sleep for four or five weeks, making me not only moody but also not very present. The days fly by and I am so tired that I become an absent-minded mess.

13. Drink more water. 
I definitely improved with the water intake and drink at least 1 liter a day. But I want to push myself and drink even more. I set myself the goal to drink like 1.5 up to 2 liters a day. (or more if possible)

14. Enjoy the little things in life. Ties in with many other goals.

15. Meet friends more often. DON'T just say "Sorry, I am busy" or come up with a lousy excuse. I need to just push myself, leave the house and hang out with my friends because we always have loads of fun and make great memories.

16. Be less stressed. 
It will be a stressful year. I know that. But I don't need to push myself into the stress even deeper by overthinking and exaggerating.



So that is it!
My full list of things I want to improve. And I say "improved" very consciously, because I feel like on each of these subjects I worked on already in 2016. But now in 2017 I don't want to lose focus and yet again make myself aware of what I already achieved and what I can improve.

Do you have goals for 2017? Tell me in the comments, I am actually very curious.

Hello people.

Today I wanted to talk with you about one thing that has been following me as long as I can remember.

Since I was young I had always been really shy and quiet. I had worlds inside my head and liked to live inside them rather than joining a conversation. Whenever I had to give a presentation in front of my class I was shaking and sweating from nervousness. I can't stand talking to strangers and I avoid eye contact. There is no chance of me starting a conversation or asking for something because I am simply afraid.

Still to this day I my shyness makes my life a bit more complicated.



Almost every time I talk to somebody I leave out huge bits of the sentence I am saying. I just swallow the first words and continue with the rest of the sentence normally. Just because I am used to not really talk and stand more in the background. I am afraid to bother or annoy people with too much talking. They reassure me very often that I am certainly not, but I still feel like it. I can't help it.
Sometimes participating in class can be so hard. Especially if I want to make a good point and talk about it longer I simply can't because my voice is cracking and I feel as though I am starting to lisp and talk very inarticulate. I start losing focus and just end my sentence before I managed to come to an end. 

Though it does always depend on the persons I am with. I can be with my friends in a café for hours and hours and chat about life. I can joke carelessly and sing and shout and be very outgoing.

But if I don't feel "sure" about the person I am with I become insecure. I tend to talk less. I don't joke around as much. I laugh more reticent. I stutter and feel insecure about my voice. I squeeze my hands and cramp my shoulders weirdly. I avoid eye contact.

Is that even shyness? I don't even know..

Hello folks.

You all heard the news. Everyone heard it. Donald Trump became the President of America. And here I am, a girl from Germany, and I am scared of what will follow.



When I woke up on the 09. November I instantly checked my phone to see who won the election. I opened twitter and saw first reactions of people tweeting like

"Trump? No! Help!" "Trump is in the lead. This must be a dream."

And I could not believe it. Then I googled it and, indeed, Trump was in the lead with 244 electoral votes while Clinton had 215. I was instantly completely awake.
My head felt consumed by worry. Never ever had I imagined that he would actually win! German media had had many documentaries and articles about the election and all of them came to the conclusion that it would be delusional to think Trump could win. That his presidency is a big joke. That he is a clown without a single chance.
So this was in fact hellof a scare.
When I went to school I was constantly refreshing the page to see the decision of the swing states. The bad thing was: I had to sit my German Pre-A-Level exam that day. Right before it started, two more states had decided: Trump suddenly had 274 electoral votes, meaning that only 6 were missing. Then my teacher got real mad because I still had my phone and made me bring it to the administration office.
The first hour of the exam was AW-FUL! As soon as I sat on my desk and had my paper in front of me the realization sank in: Trump was going to be the new President of America. Without a doubt.

The man everyone laughed at his first months of presidency. The man who wants to build a wall at the border to Mexico - and make them pay for it. The man who talked about raping and grabbing women "in the p*ssy" just like small talk and now received multiple accusations of sexual assault. The man making fun of a reporter for being disabled. The man who wants to temporarily ban Muslims from the US. The man who has the delusional idea to cut taxes, but at the same time wants to improve the infrastructure and get rid of the 20 billion dollar debt in eight years.The man who hates the LGBTQ+ community.
The list goes on.

Let that sink in. During an important exam. Not fun. Needless to say that exam did not go too well.


I saw so many tweets from people getting texts like

"Please don't wear your hijab today, I want you to be safe."
"Please don't tell people your gay anymore, I want you to be safe."

That was honestly what scared me the most. People not being able to be themselves.
I heard of people shouting "Kill Hillary!", I heard of people trying to ban black people in the back of a bus, because that "is where they belong.".
That is what this presidency does and did to people: They became ignorant and selfish. They feel now assured that it is right to oppress minorities like black people, Muslims, LGBTQ+'s, women... I feel sorry for everyone in the US that is part of one of these groups. I feel very sorry for everyone being afraid to express themselves.

I despise what is happening in the world.
Looking at Europe I see similar people and changes. In France and Belgium the right winged and very racist parties are about to win the elections. In Germany is the AfD-party, filled with outragious people following a leader telling them who to hate and what to do.
People don't want any refugees anymore, because they could be part of IS, or are dangerous in general because they are strangers.

The world is filled with hate. And that is wrong. Hate can never be the answer.
Why you may ask? Well, simply because it is very easy to hate something.
It is so easy to say "Oh I hate that.", "I don't like that", "I'm against that.", because you will always find an argument for your opinion.
It is easy to say "I hate gays, I think it is abnormal." or "Ban the Muslims, they're all part of the IS."
Especially if you have a leader who already puts you the words in your mouth and all you have to do is vote for him.

But supporting and loving is harder and oh boy had I had some discussions and disagreements with people, simply because I was supporting something like marriage for everyone in America and they didn't.


So Trump used all of the bottled up hate and outrage the people had collected over the past years and enlarged it by lies, exaggerations and false accusations. Just take everything he said about Merkel and politics in Germany and then see how much truth was in it. You will see: No truth at all. But he used the ignorance of the Americans and filled the holes with these lies.

By that he encouraged people to bring out the worst of themselves and threw morals out of the window. That is dangerous. There were so many shootings against gays and black men in America. How is that going to develop?

I simply don't know, and the not knowing is what scares me the most.

Donald Trump is the most powerful man of the whole world. 

He could destroy American society. He could start war.
He has no idea what he is doing politically.
He is impulsive, aggressive and dangerous.

If these are not a reason to be scared I don't know what is.

I hope you are safe and remind yourself that you are worth it and that it doesn't matter what sexuality, race, skin colour, religion, gender or what else you are!

(i promise i am not naked in this picture, the sunlight is just too bright!)

Hello you lovely bunch.

Yesterday evening I uploaded my very first video on YouTube- a cover version of Can't help falling in love by Elvis Presley (or Twenty One Pilots, they made a famous cover of it which went viral) on my ukulele.

I bought this ukulele about two months ago.

my twitter is @paulacharlottes *cough* *cough*

During that time I was on holiday for three weeks, I had to take my exams, I met friends, made some trips and basically did not practice everyday or regularly at all. Long story short: I am not the best at playing the ukulele. Bare this in mind if you are interested in watching the video.
Can't help falling in love was one of the first songs I learned to play and I was very proud when I got it completely right in one go.
After watching many Youtubers (like Dodie for example) having a channel contributed to music and playing different instruments, I was like "I can play some instruments, I love music, I enjoy making music- why shouldn't I try it out?"

Well, simply because I was afraid of friends and family to find out. That they would laugh at me, make jokes, destroy it for me. I still am, to be honest. They don't even know about this blog, so a YouTube Channel seemed way more scary.

What made me do it anyway?
The pure passion for music and for living my own life. I told myself that if they would find this blog, my channel or my twitter account (so many "secret" online things about me yeeeez) and make fun of it I would simply defend it. Because these things are fun to me and I enjoy writing and sharing. But if they fancy wasting their time looking at what I am doing online I won't stop them.

Still, when I actually hit the upload button my heart was racing and I was so afraid. Because after all the cover was not that good and people on the internet can be mean.
What would I do if I would get a negative comment or a bad rating?
Would it affect me?
.... well hell yes it would. 


I shared the video on my twitter and continued my day, or rather my evening, as normal as possible. I didn't check the video for ratings or comments.

When I woke up this morning however my phone sent me two notifications from the video, as two people decided to watch the video and comment underneath.



I was SO relieved you have no idea! It really made me excited to post new stuff and I really wanted to become better asap.
I felt insured in the decision I made.

I think it will take a while until I feel comfortable enough to speak, because, as you know, English is not my mother tongue and I will probably make mistakes. I just want to be able to embrace them.
So there you have it, the backstory of my first ever YouTube video. If you still fancy watching it, it is here:

Hello everybody.

This is very random. But I was just sitting here on my desk working when I looked out of the window and watched the rain running down the glass and the sun disappearing behind the horizon.
And that was the exact moment I realized I am so sick of it!

Since August is over the weather here in Germany went instant autumn meaning that it started raining and became windier even quicker than usual. At the time I was for some reason extremely excited, so it did not bother me. At the end of December (which is already over a month ago what is time?) it started snowing which had me excited as well, so again, I was happy.
But now it is February and I can physically feel how the dark seasons dragged me down.

Unfortunately I suffer from winter-depression, so there had been worse days than others where I did not eat and got out of bed, just kind of existed and complained about my life. Of course there are days where the darkness and cold doesn't affect me at all, but looking back I feel like there had been only a few this year.
I actively made me feel bad by listening to "sad" music, watching "sad" films and not meeting my friends as often as I could've.

I crave summer!
I want to go outside in a t-shirt and feel the sunbeams on my skin.
I want to drink cold drinks outside because it is unbearably hot outside.
I want to hang out with friends and go to the open air bath.
I want to make campfires.
I want to go to the beach again. Seriously I miss the sea so much.
I want to travel again and get tanned.
I want to work outside.
I want to eat ice cream with friends on a marketplace.
I want to look in a bright blue sky with a few lonely fluffy clouds.
I want to wake up when the sun already rose.

I am sick of the cold, the darkness and the rain.

So I have been looking at photos of me in shorts on holiday, videos on YouTube of people enjoying the first days of spring and listened to my Summer playlist on Spotify. It did not necessarily made me feel better but I felt understood and could close my eyes and imagine being in Italy again.

Seriously guys, do you understand my mood? Do you miss the sun or specifically summer as much as I do? Or are you more of a winter person? 

Please feel free to leave your opinion in the comment section.

Love, Paula Charlotte ❀
(PS: I don't know if you noticed but yesterday in the evening I did some slight changes on my blog's design and layout. I am still not 100 percent pleased, but this will do for now. I am still working on it though.)

"Next year I'll stop smoking." "Next year I'll be nicer to people." "Next year I will start going to the gym." "Next year I'll stop eating crisps." "Next year I'll learn earlier for my exams and not the night before." "Next year I'll spend more time with my family." "Next year I'll go out more often."
Sounds familiar?

Again, a new year is about to start and everyone makes new year resolutions. Stop smoking, living healthier, stop complaining. Stop the negative things to become a better person. And this time, it'll definitely work out, wont it?

We always think about things that aren't the way they should be. Negative circumstances, bad characteristics, unwanted habits. Therefor we already show before the new year started what we can't achieve, what we can't do, who we ain't are, what hasn't worked out. But is that motivating? To show yourself before the new year has started what a demotivated, grumpy, bad, inconsistent person you are? Not only we do this before the new year starts; but also at the beginning of a new month, week or year of our life. On Monday we'll start a new diet and next month we'll start eating less junk food.
But we have to start from the 1.!

I think we should concentrate on the things we already achieved. Things that worked last year, last month, last week or yesterday. Who am I? And not: Who have I failed to be and desperately want to become? You should start seeing yourself where you are at this very moment and begin there. If you have eaten junk food throughout the whole year then it will be hard to change that over night.
Changes take their time; until the new habits become a part of the routine some work and discipline is needed.

I want to begin, where I am at the moment. What did I achieve this year?

2015...
o... I slowly started being vegetarian and it works for me. o... I started running regularly and I improve everyday. o... I started going to the gym and I love it. o... I traveled a lot. I got to see Italy, Amsterdam, Andalusia and many cities in Germany. o... I improved my sleeping habits by getting up earlier. o... I became more organised and improved my school performance. 

My 2015 has been really successful and even though I am not the person I am 100 per cent happy with, I am a few steps closer. 
I got to meet a lot of new people , decided who I want to keep and who is bad for me. I argued, loved, discussed, got upset. Started new projects with a lot of motivation and threw them away, made important decisions and most of all: lived. 
Live never is perfect, so are we. It is highly demotivating to concentrate on the things that don't work.  Let's start the year with positive thoughts, warming memories and nice words. For others but also for ourselves.

I wish you a wonderful and successful new year! A year with memories, brave decisions, boring couch-evenings, emotions and interesting people.

Goodbye!

Paula Charlotte. 

Almost everyday I get confronted by my teachers that the end of school is getting closer and life will get harder and I will be having a lot more responsibility et cetera.
So I hear stuff like
"What do you want to study?"
"You should start saving money already."
"When do you want to move out?"
"Have you ever thought about going abroad?"
"You really need to put more effort in what you do if you want to have a successful life."
.....Thanks!

No, but really, how am I supposed to look forward to my own independence when they tell me all the time how hard and crap life will get?
I mean, I get their intention. They just want us to have a goal it's worth working for, but do they really have to be this harsh? Because every time I tell them about my plans for my future they answer something like
"Please be realistic."
.....Thanks again!


So I am writing down my plans/dreams for my future, firstly for you to read but also for my future-self to go through it and see what I achieved and what is still to do.

When I was a child my mum bought the most amazing dress in the world. 
It was all white, had red roses and some leaves on it. It was just so beautiful to me and I loved wearing it to every possible occasion. 
But of course, during winter I was not able to wear it.
When I tried it on in spring again it did not fit. So my mum bought me a new dress. It was completely blue with some white dots on it. Even though I missed my old dress I felt how I have gotten tired of the white and red and green. So I learned to love the new one.

And that is exactly how I feel with some of my friends at the moment. 

The first person is my girl best friend. We starting hanging out, because we fancied the same guy. He decided to choose me. At first she was really angry, but we started talking and saw that we were having some similarities. We ended up meeting every weekend and when the guy and I got in a relationship she was happy for me, so in the end it was fine again. (We were like 12 or 13).
This is now 4 years ago and ever since that we have been best friends. Told each others everything, had loads of fun when we were around each other, spent nearly every free weekend and afternoon with each other. 
Last year she decided to go to India for 6 months, from June to the end of December. During that time I have changed a lot. Even though we were texting and skyping nearly every day I felt that I had a better connection with other girls from my class. 
When she got back we totally lost each other. The thing is, that she doesn't even seem to notice. She got a boyfriend and now spends all of her time with him. 
I can't trust her (which I had to find out the hard way unfortunately); everything we had in common has changed; she listens to crap music; she has no sense of humour, so when I am making an ironic joke she either gets upset or doesn't get it at all and it seems like she doesn't even know me anymore. 
I have invited her over many times, but she was always "busy", aka visiting her boyfriend. Now I finally managed to make her stay the night, which will happen on Friday. 
And I have absolutely no idea what's about to happen. Maybe it will be catastrophically. You never know. But at least I can say I tried...

With the second person it is more complicated. It is my boy best friend. 
About 3 years ago he started texting me continuously. In the beginning I was really annoyed, but since he just continued and continued I kind of got used to it until I really liked texting to him. And we ended up doing it 24/7. Sometimes nonsensical things, but when it got night time we started talking about life, death and god basically. We were also doing loads of stuff in school together and I always enjoyed it. 
But when he was at his first party and got intoxicated he texted me "I love you." 
That is probably when it all got downhill. 
I was trying to play it cool, because when another guy texted me in the morning he said that my best friend has gotten so drunk that he actually had to throw up and could not remember a thing from the night before. 
I am not a huge fan of an overdose of alcohol. "Know your limit" and stuff.
He just ignored it, as if nothing has happened. 
But now, every time he went to a party I got the same text, saying that he loves me. And the next morning he pretended nothing has happened.
It got to the point where other guys from the party texted me, saying things like 
"Don't believe him, he is just really drunk lol"
Until people started telling me that he got really upset when I did not reply with "I love you too", but with stuff like "Well, who was it this time?"; that he actually nearly started crying.
When we met he got weird and started touching me. Not in an abusive way, just more than usual. 
Again, I got sick of it. Not being able to talk to him as we did before, not being able to trust him. He was the one I talked to, when I had an awkward get-together with a friend who then tried to kiss me. Instead of giving advice, as he did before, he acted really weird, got upset and started hating the boy. When we did a TWD marathon he slid closer and closer to me until he almost sat on my lap. He did not really got into the conversations we had at 2 a.m, he just kind of listened to me, until he started not answering at all. But he liked winding me up. With my taste of music, the almost-kiss-boy, my friends and stuff I have posted on social media.
I hope you understand why I decided to not text him back anymore. 


But what about you?

Have you ever had a really close friend or even best friend you lost for no real reason?

Do you get sick of your friend sometimes?

Please tell me in the comments below.


Paula Charlotte xx

(taken from tumblr.)